how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
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