She went from zero to smokin in five shots
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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