I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Send help, water and tortillas.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
