i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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