i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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