can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
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