I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Randomize