I sk at the spereo and my dad gave me and all access pass
what???
AN ALL ACCESS PASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
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