I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
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