And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
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