sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
