i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
