I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Randomize
