I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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