Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Houston, we have a squirter
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
It's rum buckets o'clock
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize