I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
you inspire me to be a worse person
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
