I hate all girls vehemently.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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