i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Randomize
