well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
