Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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