The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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