I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
