Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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