I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Randomize
