i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
This is the high leading the old right now
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
