The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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