No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Randomize
