I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
