I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
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