she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
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