I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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