If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize