Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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