I want to walk on stilts...naked
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
