you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
Randomize
