how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Randomize
