You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Randomize
