I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
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