I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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