i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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