mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
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