: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Randomize
