you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
It's official drugs can't kill me
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
is that a dick in a sweater?
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Randomize
