I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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