Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Randomize
