this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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