You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
