just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Randomize
