come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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