Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Randomize
