i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
