Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
