We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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